The Big White Farmhouse

Oh 2019, you were a wild ride.

You know how some years, it feels like the world is your oyster, and other years you’re holding on for dear life?  2019 was the latter for me.  Murphy’s Law was a regular visitor around here: if something could go wrong or break or cost money to replace, it did.  I carried the weight of emotional hardship, both my own and that of some of my children.  It was a year of one thing after another after another.

In reality, these crosses were minor.  Our children were healthy, we had a steady income, food in our bellies and a roof over our head.  It just felt like many little splinters, one after another after another, just painful enough to be distracting.  It’s kind of like natural labor – the pain isn’t too bad, but the constant barrage of contractions, with little rest between, exhausts and frustrates until you’re crying and whimpering, “I just can’t do this anymore!”

Looking back over the year, I have to laugh at how providential my one little word, Notice, was.  Truth be told, there was a solid six month window where I totally forgot about it.  But after a summer of hardship and bitterness, a little voice quietly nudged me to revisit the idea.  Have you looked around at all you have?  When was the last time you really watched your children’s joy?  Have you dug deep into your own talents and stretched those creative muscles?  Don’t you see that you have more than enough?

A much needed reality check.

I’ve spent the last quarter of the year in a much better place, but not without effort. Some days are easy and some are still so, so hard. Three things that helped:
1. I gave up Facebook and Instagram.  There is so much peace when you aren’t constantly seeing what people are doing/buying/traveling/reading, etc.  Even the #debtfreecommunity hashtag had me envious at times!  Stepping back from the “escape” of social media forced me to face my own life head-on.
2. I started the Frugal Accomplishment series and the 1000 Item Declutter Challenge.  These two projects have pushed me to think creatively with the things I own and have challenged me to be more than just a passive consumer.  I still have days where I desperately want to repaint everything or buy entirely new furniture, but it’s helping.  At the least, it’s a good distraction. 🙂
3. I leaned into the hard.  For too long, I spent my time fighting and rebelling against the hard.  (This is not the first time and sadly, probably not the last.)  Around July, I hit an ultimate low and finally whispered the prayer, “Lord, I can’t do it on my own anymore.”  Life has not gotten any easier, but my ability to weather the storm has definitely increased.  Grace upon grace upon grace…I just needed to acknowledge and ask for it.  Again.

Two years ago, we drove over twelve hours to spend Thanksgiving with my relatives in Maine.  On the last day, my parents, my siblings, my husband and kids all piled into my grandmother’s tiny apartment for another special celebration.  (It would be the last time I saw her before she passed away.)  On the trip back, traffic was horrible and it was the middle of the night when we finally pulled into the driveway, exhausted and relieved to be home.

As we exited the car, I gasped at what I saw: the most brilliant, incredible, bright array of stars that I have ever seen.  I remember standing and shivering there in the pitch black, my neck craned backward, as I gazed at the sky.  And in that moment, I felt so thankful: thankful for my grandmother, for my own little family and all of my extended ones, for my home and my life and all of God’s creation.  It was a moment where your heart feels full to bursting, where the curtain between heaven and earth is pulled back just a little bit and your soul rejoices in ways you can’t put into words.

I want to feel that more often – I need to feel that more often.  I need to combat the frustration and comparison and competition of my everyday life with something that draws me closer to Him.  And I think gratitude is the way to get there.  So that’s my word for 2020: Gratitude.  May it be a constant reminder that God is faithful and my crazy, messy life is good.