The Big White Farmhouse

When I chose the word “slow” as my word for 2017, I was feeling a bit burnt out on life.  I was in the middle of a rough postpartum recovery.  I felt really frazzled and pulled in too many directions.  In my attempts to live a full, intentional life, I seemed to choose quantity over quality and it was taking its toll.  So in January, I chose to seek a change.

In what feels like a blink of an eye, we’re eight months into the year (already!!) and I’m reflecting on the good, the bad and the ugly of 2017.  Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

Sometimes living slow means making hard choices.  

A huge part of this process was determining what parts of my life to keep and what parts I needed to set aside.  I’ll be the first to admit that this is agonizing!  There are pros and cons to everything in life and I’m quick to defend the positive aspects of all.the.things.  But.  This was a necessary first step.  Some examples:
+ Leaving suburbia and what is considered “normal” was a complicated decision.  We were driven by our desire to get away from the rat race and provide our children with a simpler life, but I definitely had many panicky moments along the way.  Buying our new home also meant letting some of our “dream home list” items go.  I don’t think there is any decision in life that is 100% perfect and it’s unrealistic to expect that.  So while we aren’t living in New England near our relatives (we tried hard for this one, but no jobs panned out), aren’t any closer to Mark’s work (he still has a big commute) and aren’t super close to shopping and restaurants, the pros still greatly outweigh the cons.
+ Giving up Big White Farmhouse has probably been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made.  This is the perfect example of stepping away from something that is inherently good: it’s fun, it fuels me creatively and I have an opportunity to do something good in the world.  But the stress and mental energy required with juggling a business and a big family was just too much.  I’ve spent way too much time ignoring my mental health and I just don’t want to live that way anymore.

Sometimes people will not understand your choices and that’s okay.

We’re not immune to this by any stretch – I mean, I have six kids! – but the decisions that we’ve made have been questioned by many well-meaning people.  Why would you want to live in the middle of nowhere?  Why would you want to homeschool your kids again?  Why are you closing down something you love so much?  Why are you choosing to do x vs. y?  And on and on.  Mark and I have heard it all this year.  At the end of the day, it comes down to prayer and peace for us.  We may not be following the status quo and that’s okay.  

Sometimes there are times in life where living slow is impossible.

From the day we put in an offer to the day we moved into the new house, living slow was not even a thought in my head!  I was in survival mode, pure and simple.  It was intense and stress-filled, but also a good reminder to avoid living in this manner long-term.  The stress was debilitating and the physical side effects were so bad – hives, poor sleeping, a spike in my anxiety and high blood pressure!  At the end of the whole experience, I said to Mark, “I don’t ever want to feel remotely like that ever again.”  

A big piece of living slow is in your mindset. 

I have six kids, so you could say that I’d never describe my life as slow.  From sun up to sun down, I’m interacting, feeding, changing, disciplining, playing, teaching and spending time with one or all of them.  But that doesn’t mean that I have to live a frazzled life, right?  A few things I’m trying:
+ When you aren’t attached to your phone, things are just better.  After reading more and more studies, I’m so passionate about this.  I want to see the Internet as a tool and something I intentionally use, not something that is addictive and has a hold on me.
+ One of my mottoes when I’m feeling crazy is, “What’s the big rush?”  I use to wear multi-tasking as a badge of honor, but I don’t want that anymore.  When one of the kids is telling me something important, I’m working on stopping what I’m doing and giving direct eye contact.  When I’m making dinner, I’m not also writing a blog post or reading the mail.  When we play outside, I’m trying to just be outside and not think about the chores and the to-do list I’ve yet to finish.  One thing at a time and do that one thing well.
+ After the process of weeding out some of the unimportant pieces of life, I’m making time for the things I’ve chosen to keep. Lifelong education is important to me, so I’m making sure I’m in a book at least once a day.  Health is important to me, so I’m running, lifting and eating better.  Storytelling and memory-keeping is important to me, so I’m prioritizing that too.  In all, it’s not much, but it does wonders for my overall mental health.  

In full disclosure, this morning I dropped and cracked the screen of my cell phone as I tried to simultaneously hold a wiggly baby while checking my email and retrieving my hot coffee that I had microwaved for the third time.  Clearly I haven’t figured it all out yet.  I’m hoping I’m headed in the right direction.