My heart has been heavy this week. 

I look at this blank screen and feel like there’s not much to say.  I’m a bit horrified (but not very surprised) that after the sufficient six hours of “mourning”, everyone’s passionate opinions rise to the surface and the ugliness continues.  And here I am, unable to wrap my head around the fact that fifty mamas will never see their children again.

In the wake of such tragedy, I’ve been asking all the questions: How can I, a mother with a handful of children and another on the way, do anything to change the world for the better?  How do I raise these children in such a scary world?

While I wish the answer was something exciting, my heart knows that it’s right here in the same ordinary life I’m living right now.  It begins with my family: teaching kindness and compassion to my children, both in word and in deed (especially in deed!).  It means praying earnestly for peace and perseverance.  It means truly listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit for opportunities to be generous and kind to the people in my community.  It means holding fast to the knowledge that good always triumphs over evil and Christ has already won this fight.  

I think in some way, that’s why I continue to come back to this space.  It’s my small- SMALL – way to share goodness in the world.  In a world of absolute ugliness (I’m looking at you, Facebook), I want to be just one tiny light.  I pray for the courage to continue.  

P.S. In the spirit of spreading kindness, we’re hosting a quick giveaway on our Big White Farmhouse Facebook page today!  We’d love for you to add your name to the hat.

One of the last boxes I packed….obviously over the whole packing experience!

Hello, hello!  Popping in to catch up before diving back into the craziness.  My brain is mush, so a bullet list will have to do today:

• I AM TIRED.  I’m not sure exactly what I was thinking, but moving at 37 weeks pregnant is a ridiculous idea.  I am huge, achy and largely miserable.  Thank goodness for the nesting instinct that gets me motivated to do anything.
• As if this time wasn’t stressful enough, my otherwise really healthy children have been taking turns with a lovely stomach bug.  So GROSS.  So badly timed.  
• Between the sickness and the moving, the kids have been watching crazy amounts of PBS cartoons on TV.  The worst part is that I’m just too tired to feel guilty about it. 
• The old house = stress-inducer.  We thought we found a renter, but she unfortunately fell through.  And even though I worked all summer long, the rental management company apparently has a list for us of improvements they’d like to see completed.  (Good point to know: we now live two hours away).  Exactly how I pictured spending the last few weekends before my 4th baby is born!
• The new house = craziness. Boxes to unpack and a house to organize, all while my kids run rampant.  Did I mention the disgusting dog prints we found all over the carpet (that smelled like poop!) when we walked in for the first time?  Did I also mention that we haven’t had hot water for three days?
• This post is turning into a whole lot of complaining.  Sorry about that.  Not typical for me as I’m usually a glass-half-full kinda girl.  I need some prayers!
• One more order of business – Mamma Support Swap: hopefully everyone who participated has mailed their packages by now.  If not, please get those out soon!  Oh and Megan (winner of my giveaway!), I haven’t forgotten about you!  I hope to find our new post office this week.     

Good morning, mammas.  I had a nice post planned for today, full of sunshine and rainbows…but honestly, that’s not how I’m feeling this week.  I am weary.

I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but it seems like my life is a bunch of hills and valleys.  We can go so long on the top of that hill – happy well-rested boys, few discipline problems, a clean home and full bellies.  Life seems so simple then, almost easy.  

And then come the valleys.  And boy do they come hard, every single time.  Extended family issues, a lot of potential changes for my little family, challenges with my boys and oh yeah – pregnancy! – has just compounded this week.  I am tired and my heart is heavy.

I used to live my life thinking that no one needed to know I was struggling.  Pull up my big girl pants, plaster that smile on my face and act like everything is fine.  No one asks and I suffer in silence.  Has anyone else done that or was I the only fool to think it was okay to live life wearing a mask?  With a little maturity, I’ve realized that I don’t want to be that person.  I want to help and encourage others during my hills so that when the valleys come, hopefully someone will reach out to me. 

So that’s where I’m at right now.  Sorry you came to Big White Farmhouse for such a downer post.  I’ll be back tomorrow to announce the winner of the coffee giveaway.  Entries are SUPER low so please feel free to enter (my pride thanks you!).  Giveaway post is here.

Motherhood gets such a bad rap in today’s society.  In an age that is so self-serving, the thought of putting someone else’s needs before your own is just…well, crazy!  But I’m here to tell you that motherhood is the most worthwhile job you’ll ever have.

Don’t get me wrong…staying home with your babies isn’t always sunshine and roses.  There are definitely fussy days, grouchy days, downright “I’m counting the minutes until bedtime” days.  But if you seek with eyes searching for the good, I promise you that you will always find something.  Maybe it’s that your little one hugged you for no reason.  Or you went a day with no sibling bickering, or they all took naps at the same time!  Maybe one of your babies made you laugh so hard, and you couldn’t believe something so funny came from someone so small! 

Motherhood is a wonderful gift and I think that instead of grumbling about everything we’re “giving up” by having children, we should embrace all that this new adventure has to offer.  

Fellow mammas (and fellow future mammas!), please know that you have a friend praying for you, rooting for you and challenging you to be the best mother you can be. 
————————
A link that has helped and inspired me:
Ann Voskamp’s free printable of 10 Points for Joyful Parenting.  I actually have it printed out and taped to my kitchen cabinet right now.  My two favorites: “Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child’s behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.”  and “Today I will laugh!….I will create a culture of JOY!”  Such wise, wise words and ones I definitely want to incorporate more in my life as a mother.

Unrelated to the story, but still too cute, don’t you think?

Yesterday, I had one of those surreal moments in time, a moment I had dreamt about years ago, a moment I couldn’t wait for…

I distinctly remember when M was a baby, eight months old or so, and just starting to crawl.  The house was so quiet then, with just the drone of daily talk shows filling the silence.  I remember watching him explore his surroundings, full of curiosity, full of life.  I couldn’t help but think to the future…

I can’t wait to see this little one grow. 
It will only be months now until he is walking! 
I hope we have many more children to fill this home.
I can’t imagine the day we have all these little ones running around the house.
I hope there’s lots of laughter.

Flash forward four years to today.  I sat back and watched as my boys chased each other around and around the first floor of the house.  Squeals of laughter filled the air.  Little J crawled back and forth, trying to keep up.  It was so good.  

I am so blessed.